Saturday, February 12, 2011

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer. When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Darn it, ELAINE! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney Australia. I hear prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I Want to see how you live on $800 a year."
Why I fired my secretary....

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone, "Happy Birthday". I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK", I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake......followed by my wife, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there........ on the couch....... naked.

I rear-ended a car this morning and right then I knew it was going to be a really really bad day. When the driver got out of his car, I saw that he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?" That's how the fight started.
46 Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew:

  • If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
  • Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
  • Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!
  • If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  • Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
  • Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  • Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
  • Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
  • No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  • Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes.
  • Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
  • Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question.
  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
  • A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.
  • Foreign films are for foreigners.
  • Check your oil.
  • Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
  • It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
  • No, it does not matter which quiz.
  • Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  • If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  • If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other.
  • Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic.
  • Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
  • You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
  • Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we.
  • Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  • More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
  • The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
  • ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
  • Pumpkin is also a fruit.
  • If it itches, it will be scratched.
  • Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
  • If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
  • We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
  • If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  • If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.
  • What the hell is a doily?

A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the operator asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
Q. What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
A. Outlaws are wanted.

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife," a man said to his friend. "She hasn't spoken to me in more than three months." "You better think it over," his friend said. "Women like that are hard to find."
A young boy asked his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" "You are my son. I'm confident about that," the father said. "You friend next door is also my son, but that's confidential."

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