|I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer. When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Darn it, ELAINE! I said a BUTT LIGHT!"|
|A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney Australia. I hear prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I Want to see how you live on $800 a year."|
|Why I fired my secretary....|
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and possibly have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone, "Happy Birthday". I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word. So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK", I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake......followed by my wife, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there........ on the couch....... naked.
|I rear-ended a car this morning and right then I knew it was going to be a really really bad day. When the driver got out of his car, I saw that he was a dwarf. He looked up at me and said, "I am not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?" That's how the fight started.|
46 Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew:
|A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.|
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
|A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the operator asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"|
|Q. What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?|
A. Outlaws are wanted.
|"I think I'm going to divorce my wife," a man said to his friend. "She hasn't spoken to me in more than three months." "You better think it over," his friend said. "Women like that are hard to find."|
|A young boy asked his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" "You are my son. I'm confident about that," the father said. "You friend next door is also my son, but that's confidential."|