I'm having problems with my hearing," a man said to his doctor. "Hmm," said the doctor. "Can you describe your symptoms?" "Sure," said the man. "Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has big hair..."
Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their mind? A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, apprached two ladies and offered each of them $200 to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained calm, cool and collected.
A cop pulled over a man who was driving a car filled with penguins. "Sir," the officer said to the driver, "you can't have all these penguins in your car! You must take them to the zoo right now." The man agreed and the cop let him go. The next day the cop pulled over the same man with the same penguins in his car. When he approached the vehicle he noticed the penguins were wearing sunglasses. "Sir," the officer said, "I distinctly remember telling you yesterday to take these penguins to the zoo." "I did," the man said. "Today we're going to the beach."
When a man found out his rich father was on his deathbed, he went to a bar, hoping to find a beautiful woman he could begin to spoil. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to a woman who could have passed as a model, "but in just a week or two my father will die and I'll inherit $20 million." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later she became his stepmother.
"Doc, my wife has lost her voice," a man told his physician. "What should I do to help her get it back?" The doctor thought for a moment and then replied, "Try coming home drunk at three in the morning."
I have to come clean," a guy said to his girlfriend. "While we've been dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist." "No worries," she said. "I've been seeing a lawyer, a car salesman and two airline pilots."
Two aliens in space were looking down on our planet. The first alien said, "It seems the dominant life-forms on Earth have developed satellite-based weapons." The second alien asked, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" "I don't think so," the first responded. "They have the weapons aimed at themselves."
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washing, D.C. When they arrived at the Potomac the guide pointed out the spot where George Washington supposedly thew a dollar across the river. "That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," the guide answered, "a dollar went a lot farther in those days."
A married man kisses his wife good-bye when he leaves the house. A man kisses his house good-bye when his wife leaves him.