One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?' 'Yes,' he replied. She answered, 'Well today I didn't do it!'
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says 'Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.' The Mexican man pleads with them, 'No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!' The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says 'Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence.' The Mexican, of course, agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, 'The 3 words are Green, Pink, and Yellow...Now use all of them in one sentence.' The Mexican man thinks really hard for about a couple minutes, then says, 'Hmmm, Ok...... The phone, it went Green, Green, Green. I Pink it up and sez 'Yellow'?'
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions: 'For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!'
A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, 'You're beautiful.' Flattered, she continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, 'You're cute.' 'What happened to beautiful?' she asked him. 'The drugs are wearing off,' he replied.
An American-history teacher, lecturing the class on Puritans, asked, 'What sort of people were punished in the stocks?' To which a voice from the back of the room responded, 'The small investor.'
Q: How can you tell if you're a dyslexic schizophrenic? A: You always think you're following somebody.
A thief broke into the Louvre and stole several famous paintings but was caught when authorities found his van by the side of the road. 'I don't believe it,' the police captain said. 'How could you plan such a bold robbery, then get caught so easily?' 'Simple,' the robber answered. 'I didn't have Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.'
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. 'This is two hundred dollars less than what we agree on,' said the contractor. 'I know,' the owner said, 'last week I overpaid you by two hundred dollars and you never complained.' The contractor replied, 'Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it gets to be a habit I feel I have to call it to your attention.'
An old man goes to a wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last forty years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man replied without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
A married executive took a business trip to Palm Beach. The weather was so nice that he decided to stay an extra week. He e-mailed his best friend with the message 'Hop on the next plane for a week of fun on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.' A few hours later his friend wrote back, 'Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at noon. How long have you known about us?'