A middle-aged couple had two stunningly beautiful daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they'd always wanted. After a few months of attempting to conceive, the wife became pregnant. She delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever laid eyes on. He told his wife, 'Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. There's no way that's my son. Have you been fooling around on me?' The wife smiled sweetly and said, 'Not this time.'
In an attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, a gynecologist decided to strike up a casual conversation. He noticed the label on her sandals read Hecho en Mexico. So he asked his patient, 'When were you in Mexico?' She replied, 'You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?'
Two old men were sitting on a park bench. A blonde woman walked by. One old man asked the other, 'Ever sleep with a blonde?' The other old man replied, 'Many a time. Many a time.' A brunette walked by. The old man asked, 'Ever sleep with a brunette?' The other old man said, 'Many a time. many a time.' A redhead walked by, and the old man asked the other, 'Ever sleep with a redhead?' He replied, 'Not a wink.'
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. 'This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,' said one. 'No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,' said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. 'Bring me my biggest sword,' said Solomon, 'and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.' 'Sounds good to me,' said the first lady. But the other woman said, 'Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.' The wise king did not hesitate a moment. 'The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. 'But she was willing to hew him in two!' exclaimed the king's court. 'Indeed,' said wise King Solomon. 'That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.'
'What do you do for erectile dysfunction?' a man asked his friend. 'Cialis,' the friend replied. 'Are those pills easy to swallow?' the first man asked. 'Oh, you must have misunderstood me,' the friend replied. 'I sneak away from my wife and go see Alice.'
One night, while a young couple was parked in a popular lovers' lane, the girl sighed romantically, 'It's lovely out here tonight - just listen to the crickets.' 'Those aren't crickets,' her date replied. 'They're zippers.'
A man woke up one morning to find his wife in a skimpy negligee, standing by the bed with a velvet rope in her hand. She purred at him, 'Tie me up and you can do anything you like.' So he did. Then he went fishing.
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the minister's sermon, the old lady leaned over and said, 'I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?' Her husband replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Two women walked into a bar and saw a Scotsman in a kilt drinking by himself. After a couiple of drinks one of the women walked up to him and said, 'I've always wondered what's worn under a kilt.' 'Lass, there's nothing worn under my kilt,' he answered. 'It's all in perfect working order.'
Two men were bragging about their families. 'My grandfather correctly predicted the year he was going to die,' one said to the other. 'Oh yeah?' the other said. 'My grandpa knew the exact day of the year he was going to die.' 'Wow, that's incredible,' the first said. 'How did he know that?' 'A judge told him,' the second replied.