Saturday, February 12, 2011

'What's your excuse for coming home at this time of night?' a wife said to her husband. 'Dear,' he answered, 'I was golfing with friends.' 'What?' she countered. 'Until two in the morning?' 'Yes,' he said. 'We used night clubs.'
A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, she slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded 'What took you so long?' and he replied, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.'
Three little boys were sitting on the porch when one little boy says, 'My daddy smokes and he can blow smoke rings.' The second little boy pipes up, 'Well, my dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his eyes.' The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, 'My dad can blow smoke out of his butt.' 'Really, have you seen it?' reply the boys. The third boy responds, 'No, but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.....'
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. After filling out his paperwork he had to take an eye exam. The clerk showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. 'Can you read this?' the clerk asked. 'Read it?' the Polish man replied. 'He's my uncle.'
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.

Q: What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A: A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What has four arms and four legs and never works out?
A: Marriage.

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world,' a man said to his wife one night. 'Oh,' she replied, 'I'll miss you.'
A man came to work Monday morning with two black eyes. 'Whoa,' his co-worker said. 'Where did you get those shinders?' 'My wife gave them to me,' he replied. 'But I thought she was out of town this weekend,' the co-worker said. 'So did I,' the man replied.

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