"Why don't you play golf with your boss anymore?" a woman asked her husband. "Would you like to play golf with a guy who moved the ball behind your back?" the husband asked. "Well, no," admitted the wife. "Neither does my boss," he replied.
One Saturday a father stork was late for dinner. When he finally came in the front door his wife asked, "Were you late because you were delivering extra babies today?" "No," he replied. "I was just out scaring college kids."
A new student approached the counter in the school dining hall. "Would you like dinner?" a lady with a spatula asked. "That depends," he said. "What are my choices?" "Yes or no," she answered.
Q. What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? A. Outlaws are wanted.
A son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw a poor man and his family on the roadside, eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate. 'Sir,' the rich man aid, 'collect your family and bring them into the limo. You can eat at my estate tonight, and you can have your fill.' 'Thank you for your kindness,' the father said as the family entered the car. 'Think nothing of it,' the rich man said. 'We haven't mowed the lawn in a month.'
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,' a woman said in the confessional. 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.' The priest thought and said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass, then drink the juice.' The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 'No,' the priest answered, 'but it will wipe that smile off your face.'
'When I'm gone I want you to marry our neighbor,' a man said to his wife on his deathbed. 'Why our neighbor?' his wife asked. 'You've hated him all your life.' 'Still do,' gasped the husband.
A schoolteacher asked a student, 'If your father earned $1,000 and gave half to your mother, what would she have?' 'A heart attack,' the boy answered.
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. 'I don't get it,' said one. 'She's an airhead - nothing is going on upstairs.' 'That may be true,' replied the other, 'but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on.'