The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks.
What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock.
How can you make a turkey float? You need two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Have you heard? Santa and his reindeer landed on the top of an outhouse. As they skidded to a halt you could hear Santa holler out, 'I SAID THE SCHMIDT HOUSE!'
What happens when you eat tinsel? You get tinselitis.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
Roses are red, violets are bluish. If it wasn't for Christmas we'd all be Jewish.

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? To keep his wigwam.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy, I'm stuffed!
What's the key to a terrific Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? Because they suspected it of fowl play.

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. 'Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!' They all asked the farmer how it tasted. 'I Don't know,' said the farmer. 'I never could catch the darn thing!'

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, 'I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out.' He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hampton and tells her the news. The sister says, 'I'll handle this.' She calls Florida and says to her father, 'Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night.' The father agrees, 'All right.' He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, 'Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?'

Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuums are too heavy.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite.

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes? A cereal killer.
What did one ghost say to the other ghost? Do you believe in people?
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein.
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball.
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries.
Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? They don't have any body to go out with.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray.

Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy ========================= Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother." Santa wrote back, "Send me your mother."
What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich.
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor? Lemon-slime.
What type of dog do vampires like the best? A bloodhound.
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane.
What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel.
What does the papa ghost say to his family while driving? Fasten your sheet belts.
What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends.
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? Because they're so wrapped up in themselves.

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky ======================== Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa
Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy ========================= Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa
Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica ========================= Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas ========================= Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan ========================= Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa
Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis ========================= Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" now-a-days? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy ========================= Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your rigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah ========================= Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. "Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me," Pedro begged. Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.