If I had a face like yours I'd sue my parents.

I'd slap you senseless but I can't spare three seconds.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

I like you. People say that I have no taste, but I like you.

I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I hear you changed your mind. What did you do with the diaper? 

I hear you're very kind to animals, so please, give that face back to the guerilla.

I hear you're an officer. Your rank is...just plain rank.

All of your ancestors must number in the thousands. It's hard to believe that many people are responsible for producing you.

I would have been your dad but the guy in front of me had correct change. 

Your dick is so small you piss on your balls. 

(*For the ladies when a guy won't leave you alone.) I'm sorry, I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

You're so dull that if you were a Spice Girl you would be Amish Spice.

Nice face. Want a gun? 

The best part of you ran down your mom's leg.

If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his ass and walk him backwards. 

You're so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

Last time I saw you, you'd lost some weight. It looks like you found it.

When you enter a room the mice jump on chairs.

I saw him earlier. He was in the bathroom getting a drink of water and the toilet seat fell and hit him on the head.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 

He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'fear.' Then again, he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

Do you want me to accept you for who you are or do you want me to like you?

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation? 

Before you came along we were hungry...now we're fed up.

He's better at sex than anyone...now all he needs is a partner.

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

With the cost of living so high these days, why do you even bother? 

Do you know that you were in an accident? No? Your father had a wet dream and your mother rolled in it. 

People always complained to me that you stunk and I defended you. I said, 'Like shit you do!'

Do you know what I really like about you? No? Damn, I was hoping you could give me a reason.

He's not two-faced. If he was, he wouldn't be wearing that one.

You know, if you looked just a tiny bit better, maybe Clinton would sleep with you.

Don't worry, I tell all my kids our visitors are the Boogey Man. 

Sure you look good...about as good as Eddie Murphy's career.

Hey, aren't you Monica Lewinski!?

Does your train of thought even have an engine?

Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because there's nothing blocking the traffic.


Have you always suffered from rectal-cranium inversion?


Exactly when did your age surpass your IQ?


I looked into your eyes and guess what I saw...the back of your head.


Your face is so ugly your pillow cries at night.


(*For the guys to say to a skinny girl.) Look at those legs! Did you ever model for ice tongs?


You're as useless as one tit.


Is that a dimple on your cheek or is that where they blow up your head?


You must be a CPA. A Constant Pain in the Ass.


If your dick was as big as your mouth you'd have a date tonight.

Out of ten million sperm...why you?

How long have you been relying on your personality for birth control?

If you can't swim stay out of the gene pool.

(*Sign above a urinal in the Men's room.) What are you looking at? The joke is in your hand.

(*For use with a girl.) If you had no feet would you wear socks? No? Then why do you wear a bra?

You smell so bad you make Right Guard turn left; you make Secret obvious; you make Speed Stick slow down; and you get Sure confused. 

You're about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

Who am I calling stupid? I don't know. What's your name?

When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under 'accidents.'

When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth you were holding an umbrella.

Your head is so far up your ass you couldn't see the sun if you were standing on it.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I'll bet unimaginable thoughts come to mind when you're asked to stuff the Thanksgiving turkey. 

Guess who will be the biggest ham at the Thanksgiving dinner!

Are you the model for the gargoyle statue?

Ah, yes...a victim of an incomplete education.

Nice ass...too bad it's on top of your shoulders.

Is talking out of your ass an acquired trait or a hereditary one?

You could be nice but you'd rather be yourself, huh?

If bullshit was dynamite you'd blow this place apart.

When you were born your parents sued the stork.
With your intelligence level it is a pure wonder that you even made it past pre-school.
You're so ugly that when you were born the doctor slapped your mother.
I saved your life today...I killed a shit-eating dog.
I stuck up for you yesterday. Someone said you liked 'shit sandwiches' and I said you didn't like bread.
Were you born this stupid or do you have to practice?
You're so ugly that if the Pope saw you he'd approve of birth control.
You're so ugly that when you were born the nurse fed you with a slingshot from across the room.
What's the use of being dumb if you aren't blonde?
You're so ugly the tide won't even take you out.

I heard your mother tried out for the part of Chewbaka in Star Wars but the suit was too small.
Did you get a free flea dip with that haircut?
The only reason you joined the Navy was to meet all the men your mother has been with and hopefully find your father.
Your suit is a perfect killer suit...it kills me just to look at it.
Your hair is so nappy, I've never seen better hair in the shower drain.
Your girlfriend is so fat that if she had to haul her ass she'd need to take two trips.
If you put your brain in an ant's asshole it would rattle around like a bee-bee in a silo.
I used to have an outfit like that and then my dad got a job.
You're so stupid that when you took the ISTEP test even the computers laughed at your score.
You're so ugly that not even the ugly stick will beat on you.

You're so fat your shadow weighs ten pounds.
You lost your virginity to a vacuum cleaner.
When it comes to sex you take matters into your own hands.
You used to work for a sperm bank but got fired for drinking on the job.
Your mom is so old she owes Jesus three bucks.
Your butt is so big that it looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud.
Your wife is so fat that not even God could lift her spirits.
You're so ugly that you have to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.
Your mother is so fat she has to use a boomerang to put on her belt.
I heard your mother tired out for the part of Jaba in Star Wars but they wanted someone thinner and more attractive.

He doesn't have an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him.
He is completely unspoiled by failure.
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Everyone has his day...some days last longer than others.
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.
You have to stand in line to hate him.
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
If you ever become a mother can I have one of the puppies?
Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life!
I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
I never liked him and I always will.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me...like you.
I thought men like that shot themselves.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

You're so ugly your face is closed on weekends.
You're so ugly if you joined an ugly contest they'd say, 'Sorry, no professionals.'
You're so nasty that when you take off your underwear it sounds like Velcro.
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
You're a parasite for sore eyes.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide...your absence.
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
They don't hardly make them like him anymore, but just to be on the safe side he should be castrated anyway.
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

You're so ugly that when you walk into a bank they turn the cameras off.
You're so dumb that you went to a Clippers game to get a haircut.
You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
You're so dumb you think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.
You're so dumb you think Socialism means partying.
You have a face only a mother could love...and she hates it!
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a cheat, and a thief.
I believe in respect for the dead. In fact, I could only respect you if you were dead.
You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion and birth control.

Are those your tits or did Laurel and Hardy leave you their heads?
Your wife said she liked seafood so I gave her crabs.
You're so fat you get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and Oh my God, it's coming towards us!
You're so ugly if you stuck your head out the window they'd arrest you for mooning.
Have you ever seen an asshole wrapped in plastic? Take a look at your driver's license.
You're so clueless that you couldn't get a clue if you were standing in the middle of a field full of horny clues during clue mating season, wearing clue musk and doing the clue mating dance.
You're so dumb it takes you one hour to cook minute rice.
You're so dumb that you went to the Whaler's game to see Shamu.
Excuse me, I can't seem to find my dick. Do you mind if I look in your mother's mouth?
You're so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall.

Do you climb plastic walls? No? Then how did you get out of the abortion bucket?
The only thing more disgusting than you is that hickey on your hemorrhoid.
Did anyone ever tell you that you're a prime candidate for a lobotomy?
The only thing worse than your face is your stench.
You were born a 'twitiot.' That's a cross between a complete twit and a horrendous idiot.
You're so ugly not even a maggot would suck on your rotting carcass.
You're the perfect definition of a blooming idiot. The best part of you is still in the flower pot.
The only thing more repulsive than your mother is you.
You should get a job as a locksmith, then you could legally pick locks with your needle dick.
Nice complexion...You look like the goalie for a dart team.

You're birthday isn't on April 1st but you're still a Fool.
That boy's about as sharp as the leading edge of a bee-bee.
Her underarms are so hairy it looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock.
When they were handing out brains you were late. All you got was a rain check. You didn't get a brain that day either. They were only handing them out to people who would use them.
Insultee: I just came back from the beauty parlor. You: What a pity it was closed.
You got your brain very early. Apparently the warranty has run out.
Insultee: Do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older? You: With luck, yes.
You've got a face like a million dollars...all green and wrinkled.
Don't look out the window or people will still think it's Halloween.
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case, they are nothing.

His family tree is like a light pole...straight.
The only time they have running water is when someone pees.
I'm not going to say he's stupid but I can't figure out how else to describe him.
She's as ugly as farting out loud in Church.
Remember the weird clothes that Mom used to make us wear? You can stop now.
You're so lazy that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd still go to bed with it only half done.
You remind me of opium; a slow working dope.
I hope your face ends up on a milk carton.
When you and your mom have an argument it's a battle of the wits...Nit versus Dim. When your father gets involved it's Nit versus Dim versus Half.
(*Say to someone when something goes wrong.) That can happen to anyone...it just happens to the stupidest first.

You're as worthless as tits on a nun.
I've upped my standards, now UP yours!
When you looked up your family tree your family was still living in it.
Your mom is so ugly that your dad takes her to work with him just so he won't have to kiss her goodbye.
You're so old you get the same sensation from a rocking chair you once got from a roller coaster.
He's so poor he can't even pay attention.
He could raise the IQ of two states if he ever moves...Georgia by leaving and Alabama by moving there.
He's on the bottom of my list of people not to run over if I see them on the street.
With her smell she could knock a buzzard off a compost heap.
An acorn doesn't fall very far from the tree so you know that entire family is nuts.

He had delusions of adequacy.
Sit down and give your brain a rest.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
OK...Just because you don't have a prick doesn't mean you have to act like one.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I would call you ugly but that would be giving you too much credit.
Is that your face or did your pants fall down?
Too bad nature gave you that tiny little brain, but she made up for it by giving you that great big mouth.
You're so dumb you think an IQ is a type of car.
I do not wish you bad luck but I hope you get sea sick and lock jaw at the same time.