An old man shuffled carefully into an ice cream parlor. He pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. As the waitress fixed the order she asked, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."
A man complained to his friend that lovemaking with his wife had become routine and boring. "Get creative," his friend said. "Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?" "Sounds great," said the man, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" His friend replied, "Just keep her waiting for 45 minutes."
Q. What is every Amish woman's fantasy? A. Two Mennonite.
Q. Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage? A. She was strapped for cash.
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and again asked the same question. The barber said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he never comes back." A little while later the friend returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" The friend smiled and answered, "Your house."