When you were born your parents sued the stork.
With your intelligence level it is a pure wonder that you even made it past pre-school.
You're so ugly that when you were born the doctor slapped your mother.
I saved your life today...I killed a shit-eating dog.
I stuck up for you yesterday. Someone said you liked 'shit sandwiches' and I said you didn't like bread.
Were you born this stupid or do you have to practice?
You're so ugly that if the Pope saw you he'd approve of birth control.
You're so ugly that when you were born the nurse fed you with a slingshot from across the room.
What's the use of being dumb if you aren't blonde?
You're so ugly the tide won't even take you out.

I heard your mother tried out for the part of Chewbaka in Star Wars but the suit was too small.
Did you get a free flea dip with that haircut?
The only reason you joined the Navy was to meet all the men your mother has been with and hopefully find your father.
Your suit is a perfect killer suit...it kills me just to look at it.
Your hair is so nappy, I've never seen better hair in the shower drain.
Your girlfriend is so fat that if she had to haul her ass she'd need to take two trips.
If you put your brain in an ant's asshole it would rattle around like a bee-bee in a silo.
I used to have an outfit like that and then my dad got a job.
You're so stupid that when you took the ISTEP test even the computers laughed at your score.
You're so ugly that not even the ugly stick will beat on you.

You're so fat your shadow weighs ten pounds.
You lost your virginity to a vacuum cleaner.
When it comes to sex you take matters into your own hands.
You used to work for a sperm bank but got fired for drinking on the job.
Your mom is so old she owes Jesus three bucks.
Your butt is so big that it looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud.
Your wife is so fat that not even God could lift her spirits.
You're so ugly that you have to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.
Your mother is so fat she has to use a boomerang to put on her belt.
I heard your mother tired out for the part of Jaba in Star Wars but they wanted someone thinner and more attractive.

He doesn't have an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him.
He is completely unspoiled by failure.
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
Everyone has his day...some days last longer than others.
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.
You have to stand in line to hate him.
You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
If you ever become a mother can I have one of the puppies?
Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life!
I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you came along.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
I never liked him and I always will.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me...like you.
I thought men like that shot themselves.
Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

You're so ugly your face is closed on weekends.
You're so ugly if you joined an ugly contest they'd say, 'Sorry, no professionals.'
You're so nasty that when you take off your underwear it sounds like Velcro.
We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
You're a parasite for sore eyes.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide...your absence.
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
They don't hardly make them like him anymore, but just to be on the safe side he should be castrated anyway.
I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

You're so ugly that when you walk into a bank they turn the cameras off.
You're so dumb that you went to a Clippers game to get a haircut.
You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
You're so dumb you think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.
You're so dumb you think Socialism means partying.
You have a face only a mother could love...and she hates it!
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a cheat, and a thief.
I believe in respect for the dead. In fact, I could only respect you if you were dead.
You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion and birth control.