If I had a face like yours I'd sue my parents.

I'd slap you senseless but I can't spare three seconds.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

I like you. People say that I have no taste, but I like you.

I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I hear you changed your mind. What did you do with the diaper? 

I hear you're very kind to animals, so please, give that face back to the guerilla.

I hear you're an officer. Your rank is...just plain rank.

All of your ancestors must number in the thousands. It's hard to believe that many people are responsible for producing you.

I would have been your dad but the guy in front of me had correct change. 

Your dick is so small you piss on your balls. 

(*For the ladies when a guy won't leave you alone.) I'm sorry, I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

You're so dull that if you were a Spice Girl you would be Amish Spice.

Nice face. Want a gun? 

The best part of you ran down your mom's leg.

If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his ass and walk him backwards. 

You're so stupid you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

Last time I saw you, you'd lost some weight. It looks like you found it.

When you enter a room the mice jump on chairs.

I saw him earlier. He was in the bathroom getting a drink of water and the toilet seat fell and hit him on the head.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 

He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'fear.' Then again, he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

Do you want me to accept you for who you are or do you want me to like you?

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Can I borrow your face for a few days while my ass is on vacation? 

Before you came along we were hungry...now we're fed up.

He's better at sex than anyone...now all he needs is a partner.

Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

With the cost of living so high these days, why do you even bother? 

Do you know that you were in an accident? No? Your father had a wet dream and your mother rolled in it. 

People always complained to me that you stunk and I defended you. I said, 'Like shit you do!'

Do you know what I really like about you? No? Damn, I was hoping you could give me a reason.

He's not two-faced. If he was, he wouldn't be wearing that one.

You know, if you looked just a tiny bit better, maybe Clinton would sleep with you.

Don't worry, I tell all my kids our visitors are the Boogey Man. 

Sure you look good...about as good as Eddie Murphy's career.

Hey, aren't you Monica Lewinski!?

Does your train of thought even have an engine?

Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because there's nothing blocking the traffic.


Have you always suffered from rectal-cranium inversion?


Exactly when did your age surpass your IQ?


I looked into your eyes and guess what I saw...the back of your head.


Your face is so ugly your pillow cries at night.


(*For the guys to say to a skinny girl.) Look at those legs! Did you ever model for ice tongs?


You're as useless as one tit.


Is that a dimple on your cheek or is that where they blow up your head?


You must be a CPA. A Constant Pain in the Ass.


If your dick was as big as your mouth you'd have a date tonight.

Out of ten million sperm...why you?

How long have you been relying on your personality for birth control?

If you can't swim stay out of the gene pool.

(*Sign above a urinal in the Men's room.) What are you looking at? The joke is in your hand.

(*For use with a girl.) If you had no feet would you wear socks? No? Then why do you wear a bra?

You smell so bad you make Right Guard turn left; you make Secret obvious; you make Speed Stick slow down; and you get Sure confused. 

You're about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.

Who am I calling stupid? I don't know. What's your name?

When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under 'accidents.'

When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth you were holding an umbrella.

Your head is so far up your ass you couldn't see the sun if you were standing on it.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

I'll bet unimaginable thoughts come to mind when you're asked to stuff the Thanksgiving turkey. 

Guess who will be the biggest ham at the Thanksgiving dinner!

Are you the model for the gargoyle statue?

Ah, yes...a victim of an incomplete education.

Nice ass...too bad it's on top of your shoulders.

Is talking out of your ass an acquired trait or a hereditary one?

You could be nice but you'd rather be yourself, huh?

If bullshit was dynamite you'd blow this place apart.