Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, 'Congratulations sir! You're the father of twins!' 'What a coincidence,' the man said with some obvious pride. 'I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.' The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, 'You sir, are the father of triplets.' 'Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence,' he answered. 'I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.' An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. 'Don't tell me! Another coincidence?' asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said 'I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.' After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. 'I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven...'




As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band. 'I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition,' I said to the boys. 'You eat it for me.' I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. 'I can't,' he said. 'Why not?' Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, 'I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers.'




As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this,' and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy gonna' eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears streaming down her face. I said, 'What's wrong, honey?' Sad and broken up, she looked at me and said, 'Daddy, where's my booger????'




A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'




A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, 'Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.' The man says, 'Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.' POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, 'Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.' POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red Ferrari appears. He continues, 'Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.' POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Dear Dad,

College i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.


Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: What does it mean when the flag is flying at half mast at the post office?
A: They're hiring.
  

Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year.